It’s my mother’s birthday. She would be 72 today.
The week we lost her, I wrote this piece, which I re-read today.
In it, our friend Anita Hurrell remembered her like this:
One time you drove us in the van to the seaside and we ate sandwiches with cucumber in them and I thought they tasted delicious and I felt this strong sense of deep content sitting with Hannah in the back listening to her singing and humming for the whole journey. I have no idea where we went, and in my head it was nowhere in England, but rather part of the big-hearted, loving, funny, relaxed, non-conformist world of your family in my childhood - full of your laughter and your enormous kindness.
[…] I look back and see […] what a true feminist you were, how much of parenting you seemed to do much better than we do these days, how generous and homemade and fun and kind the world you and Oscar [my dad] made was.
I feel so privileged to have had that childhood. To have had a mother like her.
In the piece I read at her memorial, I said:
Before I was born, both my parents were involved in struggles to support affirmative action and tenants’ rights. She described herself as having been radicalized early on, but it’s not particularly that she was radical: she could just see past the social templates that everyone is expected to adhere to, and which perpetuate systemic injustices, and could see how everything should operate to be fairer.
That was true on every level. She wanted she and [her siblings] to all be treated equally, and would make it known if she thought the others were getting a raw deal. She tried her best to treat Hannah and I equally. If someone made a sexist or a homophobic remark around her, she would call it out. If someone was xenophobic, or unthinkingly imperialist, she would bring it up. She was outspoken - always with good humor, but always adamant about what really mattered.
When our son was born, I wrote:
The last time I saw you, just over a year ago, you were in a bed in the same institution, your donated lungs breathing fainter and fainter. I kissed you on the forehead and told you I loved you. You’d told me that what you wanted to hear was us talking amongst ourselves; to know that we’d continue without you. In the end, that’s what happened. But I miss you terribly: I feel the grief of losing you every day, and never more than when my child was born.
[…] In this worse universe that doesn’t have you in it, I’ve been intentionally trying to channel you. I’ve been trying to imagine how you would have shown up with them, and what your advice for me would have been. I’ve been trying to convey that good-humored warmth I always felt. You made me feel safe: physically, yes, but more than that, emotionally. I want to make them feel safe, too: to be who they really are.
That first piece from three days after we lost her:
I want to honor her by furthering what she put into the world. The loving, non-conformist, irreverent, equity-minded spirit that she embodied.
Her values are the right ones, I’m sure of it — her non-conformity, her progressivism, her intellectual curiosity, her fearlessness and silliness (and fearless silliness), her gameness for adventure, her internationalism, her inclusive care and love for everybody and absolute disregard for the expectations other people had for her, or for nonsense tradition, for institutions, or for money.
She is the best person I’ve ever met and could ever hope to meet. I’ve been so, deeply sad, every day, but grief isn’t enough to honor her, and I wish I’d been better at doing that.
I miss you, Ma. I love you. I’m so, so sorry.
